I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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