He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
