I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
