Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
