it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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