In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
