...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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