Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
