My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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