He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize