I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I just had sex on a roof
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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