nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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