Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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