She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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