Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
