Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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