Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
