sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
