I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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