i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
