This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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