i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I need to sanitize my soul.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize