I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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