You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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