I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
