He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
