i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
