the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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