on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Houston, we have a squirter
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
