I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Randomize
