Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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