We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
