Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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