well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
