I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
