So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
