The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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