I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
BRING THE BAGELS
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
