He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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