Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i dont even know how to be here
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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