nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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