i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
