hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
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