He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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