My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
