A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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