I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
