tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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