Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
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