Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
