Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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