I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
