john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
