What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
