its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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