I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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