Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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