You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
