sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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