I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
